Learning to be myself

..Is proving to be difficult. I think we are all insecure in one way or another. (I'd like to think we are for my own insecurity sake)

I've come to realize that much of what I do has been to please others or for others' praise. When I lay my head on my pillow at night I ponder all that happened that day and realize that I need to be clinging to God, to His love and Grace. So many times I want to be like so and so.

Being a mum is amazing, but along with many ups there are several lows. I will admit there have been some dark days. -Dark as in I have realized how truly selfish I am. How much I consider my needs before others. Now it seems I fight what I know to be right. Baby needs to be fed- well I'm hungry too (me first! me first!) Baby's diaper is wet, sheesh I'm so tired, she can wait... Baby is dirty and is in true need of a bath..meh, it can wait, I need a shower..it's been three days!!

Those are the daily, small things, that I think about and realize "wow, God, you put up with a lot." I'm humbled. It is not all about me. What I want. Need. It is about this tiny little girl who needs basic help that takes time, commitment, energy.

It seems that when you become a parent all of the imperfections that you attempt to file away in spaces in your heart and brain they all are thrown out the window. A huge mirror is placed in front of you and you see every little thing that I do not like about yourself. You have to sit back..sit down..and decide that it has to change because it is not about YOU anymore.

I am reminded of how much God loves me all of the time. Sometimes it hits me so strongly that I cry. But later on in the day or week or month..however long it takes me to get back to "reality" I forget God's love. God's love has captured me, and sometimes I abandon it. I forget about it. My heart knows there is more to this life than lists to be checked off and people to please, but my head tells me that the lists and people pleasing is what I am worthy of, not clinging to my Creator..not accepting something so great that it should define me. Instead, I break myself. I fall and try to pick myself back up. I'm a big girl, I can do this myself.

Trust me. I've tried "making it on my own"...and guess how far I made it? Nowhere that God was not waiting for me. Whispering in my little ear "Michelle. You do not understand how much I love you. You have not accepted that my sacrifice was for YOU too. Not just for some other person who had a much more telling story. It is for you, my love. I will never leave you. I have heard every cry you have made, and believe me when I say I was crying too. I was on my knees pleading to take you baggage and your trash, but you would not let it go. Do you know how difficult that is? To sit and watch as the one you love is hurt over and over? THAT is how much you mean to me, Michelle. I.LOVE. You. Accept it, please."

I am trying. Attempting to be a better person. I see my imperfections and want to be made clean, but I need to remember that I cannot be pure without the one who makes all things clean. And I have to overcome this worldly complacency that holds me in spot. I become drowsy with contentedness.

I pray that my life is lived for the God in whom I try to serve truly. I need to remember many things, but the most important is that love is above all.

Blessings and please know that whoever you are, whatever you have done, whoever you feel like you are on the inside..there is "no rock unturned" when it comes to God. He knows you and loves you, accepting everything about you because you mean THAT much to Him.

Be blessed